Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Can't Maintain This High Blood Pressure

Endless, depressing, bad news. Too much TV news stressed me out this last week. Nothing like standing up in the middle of your dinner and screaming, “BULLSHIT!” at one talking head or another. Gotta take a break from current events and plug back in to whatever it is that fills my tank.

So, where oh where am I gonna turn to lighten the mood? Who's gonna come to my particular emotional rescue? Why, Richard Simmons, of course.

See, back a few years ago now, when I was down and out sick for a time, my pal Carin, sent a care package that included several fun books. One of those books, probably the greatest of the bunch, was Richard Simmons' autobiography, Still Hungry After All These Years. It almost made me burst my stitches with laughter... and that was just upon fishing it out of the box. Reading it* was another matter altogether. Holy crap, the book is the literary incarnation of the "man" himself. I mean, he writes what he thinks in the same way that he says what he thinks regardless of its (usually unintentional) side-splitting goofiness or its (also, usually unintentional) double-entendre laden gayness.

Leaving alone a study of Richard's particular pathology, let's just say that S.H.A.A.T.Y. is cover to cover self-indulgent tripe, typical of the self-congratulatory, Hollywood tell-all. But because it's written by Simmons, in keeping with the rest of his endeavors, it's totally hilarious in spite of his best intentions. An autobiography gives one a pass to paint their own portrait, and here we find him desperately trying to come across as a sympathetic and earnest hero, which, of course, makes him that much funnier.

Anyhoo - I recently remembered that on page 192, he writes about all the mail he began getting after his appearance on the early 80's TV show, Real People. Everyonene wanted a word with the guru of easy, breezy weight loss. So, naturally, he opened a post office box in Beverly Hills which, amazingly, HE STILL HAS TO THIS DAY.

So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Richard Simmons address:


Richard Simmons
PO Box 5403
Beverly Hills, CA 90210


Now, after checking his website, they recommend that all personal letters be sent to the following address:

Richard Simmons
9306 Civic Center Drive
Beverly Hills, CA 90210


I have no idea which one you should use, should you decide to mail the guru something. I have no intention of mailing anything at this time and only share this info with you because I had nothing else to write about today. Nevertheless, a word of advice: don't send anything you might get in trouble for in this Brave New American World. And don't be too damn jerky. This guy's made us all laugh over the years, but remember, we've been laughing AT him, not with him.

*Note: I didn't actually read the entire friggin' book, OK? In this post-Frey world, I feel I must tip my hand a bit. I did, however, read MOST of the thing. I mean, large chunks. While I was in prison. For derailing a train and killing a young girl. Happy now?

2 comments:

Ed said...

How I love that little ex-fat, fro-headed bastard!

mrotzie said...

dammit ed, that hurts my feelings! oh wait, you're talkin about richard simmons.