Monday, July 24, 2006

Ronnie Clay: More Prophit (sic) Then (sic) Critic

So, I was checking out some user reviews for the "V For Vendetta" DVD on Amazon yesterday and a particularly goofy one from a fella by the name of Ronnie Clay from Louisiana caught my eye. I went on to look at all the guy's reviews. They turned out to be a treasure trove of laughs. The cream of the crop follows:


*Note: The full, brain-melting list can be found HERE.


He Comes Next ~ Ian Kerner

ARE YOU NUTS! HE COMES FIRST AND

WOMEN COMES LAST!!, July 6, 2006
Men should be the one to come first in the bedroom cause males know how to comprimise instead of being bossing cause women always need to have it their way when will they learn to work together then they wouldn't be complaining about bad sex!


Monty's Party Picante Sauce - XXX Ignorant Hot Gourmet Salsa

I was disappointed with what I found, July 4, 2006
The only reason I click on this Monty Party Picante Sauce cause I saw the three XXX's on the cover and I was thinking it had something to do with porn, but all it repersents is this sauce is very hot it will burn you into tomorrow. It clams that it's flamble like it can start a fire PLEASE. WHY WOULD THEY MAKE SUCH DANGEROUS STUFF IN THE FIRST PLACE.


All for You ~ Janet Jackson

WOOO Janet Jackson is really horney!, June 30, 2006
Some of her songs are really talking about getting down and dirty. In the song "Would You Mind" is her really coming out of her shell. When I was hearing her saying all the things she wants to do to a man like touching, teasing, holding, kissing, and especially licking and man that made me have a hard-on. Another so is her saying a man having his hands up her thies I mean Janet really knows how to use sex for sell. I love the song "China Love" and "All for You" which is really a dance song.


What's Left of Me ~ Nick Lachey

In your face Jessica Simpson, June 16, 2006
Nick Lachey is better then his ex-wife now cause his solo ablum sounds so amazing. It i sad to see that it's takes a break up in order for him to make his own cd cause if they were still married Nick wouldn't have this big success. This whole ablum is singing about him being heart broken over his loss I know he can get over her cause Jessica Simpson is not everything, she's a LOSER. Especially now cause she's not doing a cd.


Tang Orange Drink Mix, Makes 20 Quarts, 71 oz

Almost better the Kool Aid, June 8, 2006
I hadden had tang in a long time. And to me it still taste good. I wonder if they will ever come up with different flavors for tang instead of just orange cause I know it's been out for a long while.


Gatorade Fierce-Grape Thirst Quencher, 32 fl oz

I love this s**t, May 27, 2006
Gatorade is just as good as water cause it won't give you bad kidneys if you drink too much of it and also you won't have to go to the bathroom so quick. Who ever says Gatorade is salty is on crack.


Playboy - Hungarian Ed

WOO BABY!, May 1, 2006
I love looking at these naked women inside this magazine. Women from the country Hungary are way more sexier then the American


Thundercats - Season Two, Vol. 1 DVD ~ Katsuhito Akiyama

I love Thundercats, April 14, 2006
The second season on DVD well at least part of it. Why can't they just put the whole season in one box set. It can still be 6 disc just put more episodes on each disc. Lion-O is the leader of the group and he can fight by using his sword.


Fiber Choice Fiber Supplement, Sugar Free Assorted Fruit, Chewable Tablets 90 tablets

Who cares about taking pills, March 26, 2006
On the cover of this medicine they have pictures of fruits to make it seem like it flavorable which it will really taste like crap. Not to mention they take all your money cause this cost too high. Only weak sissy's take pills I'm a strong macho man who is never sick. I never have fiber.


The Godfather (PS2)

The game is better then the movies, March 25, 2006
Before Marlon Brando died (which I'm glad he did) recorded all of his dialogues to reprise his character, Don Corleone.

While some actors from the film have reprise their so call famous roles for the video game adaptation, Al Pacino flat out refused to reprise his famous Michael Character (which I don't blame him).

I love this game like I love intimidating hot women.


Live in Dallas, Texas DVD ~ Superjoint Ritual

When will a concert be live in Winnsboro, March 23, 2006
I'm jealous cause all the music concerts always be live in big cities like Dallas Texas. No concert ever come's to small towns like mine which is called Winnsboro. It's just boring.


Pornography - The Secret History of Civilisation DVD ~ Kate Williams (III)

It's important ot know your porn history, March 21, 2006
This is a serious, non-titillating history of pornography, from the earliest days of erotic art right up to the present days of mulitmedia.


Debbie Does Dallas Uncovered DVD ~ Debbie Does Dallas-Uncovered

Location, Location Location, March 21, 2006
I'v been to Dallas,Texas five times, its a beautiful city unlike my small crappy town Winnsboro.


Brokeback Mountain (Widescreen Edition) DVD ~ Heath Ledger

I HATE FAGS, February 19, 2006
I discriminate against gay men I think it's disgusting to see. Thats why I hate this movie cause it has gay cowboys how sicken. How can people love this movie. And give it these Oscars winnings.


Iraq Flag Polyester 3 ft. x 5 ft.

Support Iraq, December 26, 2005
I feel bad for Iraq cause America invaid that country. I love the Iraqi flag cause Saddam is the man.


Rayon Japan miniature flag (4 in. x 6 in. / 10 in. staff)

What a great flag, December 26, 2005
I love this flag to represent Japan cause it is a good country that make's anime. They are kind of weird cause I don't know what the red dot in the middle stands for.


Apple 20 GB iPod M9282LL/A

this new technology is too complicated for me, December 8, 2005
this device is something that can download music up to 5,000 songs and it plays cds it also runs on windows xp. I hate this stuff


A Little More Personal (Raw) ~ Lindsay Lohan

If Lindsay Lohan took a big S**T on the ground I would eat it, December 8, 2005
This is her second ablum. The video for the single was filmed on 26th Street in New York, in which store windows were remodeled to depict scenes from Lohan's childhood. The video was release October 26, 2005.


The 40-Year-Old Virgin (Unrated Full Screen Edition) DVD ~ Judd Apatow

It's all the women's fault for this man being a virgin at 40 cause their all selfcentered prudes, December 8, 2005
I enjoyed parts of the movie for the unique Hollywood depiction of a man's choice to remain a virgin in a society where sex is pervasive. One moment I found to be revealing about modern life is when Andy and Trish get married.


She's Out of Control DVD ~ Stan Dragoti

don't watch this, December 1, 2005
Someone needs to put her back in control and that's a man's job so I'm counting on Tony Danza.


Hush Puppies Men's California Clog Slipper

I hear them all day, December 1, 2005
At night when it's cold I have to put these on my feet to keep them warm. I can't believe these where made in California where it's hot at. I wear these house shoes so much around the house I sometimes forget that I have them on.


Fresh Spanish Onions, 1 lbs

Stephen Garcia must have really doo doo skunky breath, November 19, 2005
I hate all kinds of onions I don't want to have stank breath. The taste of those vegtables don't even taste right. I wish God never made onions.


He-Man & She-Ra - A Christmas Special DVD

Even She-Ra celebrates christmas with He-Man, November 4, 2005
At least something of She-Ra is out on dvd. I will love the christmas special when it comes out December 6. I think both her and He-Man make a cute couple.


Forrest Gump DVD

He's as dumb as a doorknobe but we love him, October 22, 2005
Tom Hank's plays the stupid Forrest Gump who somehow went to college played football how he made the team the football coach saw Forrest running on the field. Their team became champion's and went to the white house to meat JFC. Forrest drank too much drinks and had to go pee. Forrest got his degree then went to the army he fought in Vietnam and earn the highest metal the army can give you (The Congressional Medal of Arnor) then Forrest pulled his pants down.


Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini by Mark Leyner

If men read this book they must be gay, October 8, 2005
Who cares about men having nipples is Mark Leyner way of being funny. Their are questions about things that people wonder everyday. How do people have sex in wheel chairs, why does sweat stink, can contact lens slip inside a person's head. Does pee stop a jelleyfish sting which it doesn't the book says vinguar.


Taco Bell Taco Dinner, 10.75 oz

Buy Taco Bell at grocery stores, September 3, 2005
I always buy this kind at the grocery store. It has the two pack of taco sauce inside. It also has enough shells to use which is 12 shells. My parents love to break their shells and make theirs into a salad with the meat and cheese and other but not me. I love keeping like it is and stuffing the meat salad and cheese inside. To me it just wouldn't be like real taco if the shell didn't stay the way it is plus it's dis-respect to the country Mexico, destroying their tradition.


No Title Available

the best in the world, August 28, 2005
I love using these oxy pads it makes my face cleaner smoother. I have no dirt on my face what-so-ever. I never have to use a bar of soap ever again.


Holmes HAOF-90UC 10-Inch 3-Speed Blizzard Table Fan

small things comes in large package, August 20, 2005
This fan maybe little but it works well everytime I go outside to sit on the poarch cause it's so hot out their I plug it in and have it right up on me. When I get a desk job of any office I'm going have this same fan sitting their.


Epson Stylus C86 Inkjet Printer

photo ablums of the future, August 15, 2005
When I take pictures sometimes I love to put print them and it comes out crystal clear, the picture be so big it takes up the whole paper. It makes it seem like real people are traped inside paper. Too bad color printers come seperate with computers.


The Moment ~ Kenny G.

This cd rocks the house, August 14, 2005
I like this cd it only has one song wear somebody sings the rest are just music tones. It is a good way to get in a sad mood or happy mood. Jazz is great music.


No Title Available

You hear that ladies "Just for Men" keep your stinkin paw's off, August 4, 2005
This stuff is great on my hair. I call it the super shampoo. My hair hasn't gone gray since two weeks ago. I look younger.


No Title Available

Mr. Head & Shoulders, July 31, 2005
This shampoo changes the way I appear life. I have nothing to be ashamed about my hair anymore. It gets big huge flakes that makes your hair grow back faster, it keeps it away for about a week. As far as getting all of the dandruff out well it doesn't. It may not be perfect but it's the best I can fine. I hides this in my dresser from my sister.


Aquafina Spring Water, 50.7 fl oz

water sucks, July 27, 2005
I could care less about drinking spring water it has no good flavor taste to it. It only slows me down when I'm playing sports outside. To try a real drink I perfer BEER


Lolita, Vol. 4 by Belor

art, June 21, 2005
This book made me want to pay more attention to art. I love the full naked woman with tattos on the cover of this book.


Super Size Me DVD ~ Dr. Daryl Isaacs

No More Junk Food. Hit the Jim., June 21, 2005
This documentary should have never gotten anywere near an oscar nomination. "Fahrenheit 9/11" was robed. All this documentary is about some guy who loves eating burgers and fries at fast food resturants what the point in that, how can people love this. America is the fattest country enough as it is and this dvd is a bad influnce.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Trapper Keeper

Keep this little quote in the back or your head as you listen to the various idealogues spout their psyche-fuck "facts" 'round the media spectrum this week. Manipulation is as thick in the air lately as it's ever been. (For example as in Fox News' coverage of the ongoing chaos between Israel and Lebanon, every headline and every talking head insert the caveat of Iranian bogeyman behind every Lebanese act or utterance... Which for anyone who's done their homework, is clearly a gross obfuscation--if not downright fabrication--of events.)

"Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger." -- Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Bush and the G8: A Comedy of Manners

Really, is it just me or does anyone else think that the rotted corpse of Rodney Dangerfield would make a better president of the US?
First there's open mike night.

And then it's Han Solo you can't see what they're doing.

There's more overtly political diggin' here and here and here and here. But I think that commenter HereinDC puts it best on the C&L messageboard: He chews with his mouth open. Talks with food in his mouth. Inapproiately touches women.Curses. All in a span of 4 days. Is he off his meds?Drinking again?

Anyway, here's some video of a very classy guy with some very deep thoughts:


Monday, July 17, 2006

The Ol' Reacharound

Glenn Greenwald has the goods on the latest Neocon sleight of hand—namely the attempts to posit the Israeli’s war as “our war.” PNAC co-architect and salivating imperialist, Bill Kristol, appeared on, of course, Fox News this weekend practically coked to the gills with lust for what a definitive showdown in the Middle East might mean for Israeli American aspirations in the region. Greenwald goes on to discuss one of the most important yet taboo-laden topics in American (and thus global) politics today, “the effect of the domestic Israeli lobby on U.S. foreign policy.” His run-down begins with a nod to an article by Glen Frankel in this weekend’s Washington Post, titled, A Beautiful Friendship? In search of the truth about the Israel lobby's influence on Washington. It’s meaty, uncomfortable reading, but you can take it. Get in there.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Is This What Democracy Looks Like?

"Jose Villa was videoing LAPD during the anti-Minutemen protest called by ANSWER LA last Saturday. As the YourTube video shows, he and Christen Westberry were standing still when an LAPD officer on a bicycle stopped next to them, picked up his bike, slammed it into them, pushing them into other police who then clubbed until they were lying on the pavement - then continued beating them."

This Is What Democracy Looks Like

With the recent Mexican presidential election looking entirely too much like Florida ’00 and Ohio ’04, the shit has really begun to hit the fan. Like Florida and Ohio, there has been plenty of evidence of nefarious goings-on but unlike the US citizenry’s mostly limp responses, the Mexican public is poised to halt the process and demand a thorough investigation of both the election results and the multitude of fraud allegations.

While it may seem that Mexico’s a world away, it’s important to note that their young democracy is indeed modeled after our own—except Mexico's citizens seem to have a better grasp on what it means to live in a democracy than many in the US. In any event, there’s nothing like having a mirror around to see how good or bad you look.

Thusly, here’s Al Giordano’s three part series documenting the ongoing battle by Mexico’s citizenry and Left-leaning politicos to halt the coronation process and go over the voting results very, very carefully. (A shocking idea, I know.)

There’s plenty of background in these articles for those who, like me, haven’t kept too abreast of the players. There’s also a focus on individual accounts that help to illustrate the concerted effort to rig the election. It’s all a bit of a meaty read, and it gets a little depressing and a little too familiar. But because of the refusal of the Mexican left to simply accept the corrupt results—the refusal to just lie down and die—the story ultimately becomes an exciting inspiration. Read ‘em while they’re hot:

Part 1: In Mexico, 2.5 Million Missing Votes Reappear: López Obrador Reduces Calderón’s Official Margin to 0.6 percent IFE’s Claim that 98.5 Percent of Votes Had Been Counted Was False: Authorities Now Oppose Recount

Part 2: A Full Recount Would Show that López Obrador Won Mexico’s Presidency by More than One Million Votes - The Tip of the Iceberg of the Crimes Committed by Mexican Electoral Authorities Is the Fraudulent Vote Count of 2006

Part 3: Death by Video: Mexico’s Election Fraud Is Coming Undone - Video and Audio Evidence, an Outraged Citizenry, and Panic from the White House Are Converging to Make López Obrador the Next Mexican President

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The 48 Laws of Power

Ahhh. So, young grasshopper, it is begun. May your training fare thee well.




(Via Cursor.org)

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Through a Projector Poorly

While I’ve never been particularly hot for science fiction, I have in the last few years become pretty hot for the writing of Philip K. Dick. There’s something about his fast-moving prose and the brutal economy of wording that takes a little getting used to, but ultimately becomes as much a part of the story as the characters themselves.

No less jarring at first are the perception shifts that sometimes flip the reader’s perspective two, three, four or more times in the course of a novel. It can be a dizzying experience—especially when he ventures into the more esoteric aspects of the human experience. Often his narratives become more philosophy experiment than fantastic tales of some dystopian future. And while that irked much of Dick’s contemporary SF audience, (indeed his works were deemed with mild derision as “cult” science fiction) future audiences would lustily converge on his works from tastes across the literary spectrum.

Myself and plenty others are drawn to his stories because of their tendencies to play around, with and inside various fundamental frameworks of “reality.” They leave the reader dizzy, giddy, yet… wiser somehow. Similar to particular chemically or physiologically induced alterations of our perception of the universe, several of Dick’s novels leave the reader with a permanently, slightly altered view of the world around them and their place in it. It’s a remarkable feat for any literary work to achieve and certainly the mark of (yeah, it’s a bankrupt word, but it fits for once) genius.

So, of course I went to see director Richard Linklatter’s new interpretation of A Scanner Darkly the first chance I got. Discussion and reviews of the stars and the meanings and the method are all over the place right now. I couldn’t add much by spouting on anything there, so I'll just toss out a take on the film: It was lousy. I wanted to love it but I can’t even say I liked it.

Now, by way of disclosure I should say that I actually haven’t read that particular Philip K. Dick book, but since I’ve devoured plenty of his other works, I feel comfortable enough in saying that the book is a helluva lot better. Word has it that Linklatter stuck very closely to the arc and episodes of the novel. Perhaps that was the problem. The film was flat and, frankly, confusing.

The much-gabbed about Rotoscoping (painting-on-the-film) technique ultimately worked against the plot by distracting from the shifting perspectives, which needed more establishing, more grounding than they did when they were played out in words. (Though, truth be told, the effect it produced on the “scramble suits” was consistently, joyfully, mesmerizing.) Additionally, the actors were apparently instructed to be very faithful to the text. While this is admirable on paper, in practice it seemed to rob the production of much of its urgency. And in a film where the plot rides on an alternating current of urgency and philosophy, that means half the battle is lost before the cameras even roll.

There were parts I did like though. The story is genuinely intriguing and the particular take on the police state of the future is extremely relevant and urgently compelling—if only because it’s not exactly futuristic enough for comfort. But those elements don’t speak to the film itself, they're still of the story. And therein lies the problem. The production took plenty from the novel, but gave little to the story save the rotoscoping, which went from “neat” to “irritating” after about the first hour.

It’s when the elements of giving and taking are compared to other PKD film adaptations that we are witness to the great divide between the possibilities of literature and film. Each have their stengths, their weaknesses. Adaptations that pull off the translation well, rarely wring from the work more the its tranlatable elements. It's an art unto itself, really, knowing what to take and what to leave and just how much of each.

Sure. the well-liked adaptations like Blade Runner and Minority Report, hell, even the fun and goofy Total Recall, are all built upon the basic frame of the Dick story. But each eschew much of the bare-knuckle philosophy for more gunplay, more gore or more sex. These productions realized that, as a film, the essential elements of a Dick story need to be reversed in their proportions if they’re to succeed. Ease off the speculative philosophy and experiments in subjectivity and pump up the boobs, chases and explosions.

And there, in a handful of sentences, you have the formula—the how if not so much the why—of adapting a Philip K. Dick literary work for the screen. It’s also the reason A Scanner Darkly never exactly takes a flying leap and kicks our asses and our brains in the way it ought to. At least the way the book does… or so I expect it does.

Please note that I do believe that philosophy can and does work well in film... in the right hands and with the right material. My point here is that what makes PKD's more literary flights of intellectual fancy unique, exhilarating and even life-changing, are the very elements that remain impossible to successfully translate to film in a narrative capacity. Exactly why is the basis for another essay, I suppose.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Tossin' Off in the Grand Ol' USA

The man who led America's hunt for Osama bin Laden has said the CIA was wrong to disband the only unit devoted entirely to the terrorist leader's pursuit - just at a time when al-Qaida is reasserting its influence over global jihad.

Read: Agent Who Led Bin Laden Hunt Criticises CIA
Then: Tell me the fix aint in

Friday, July 07, 2006

Phishing for Suspects an' Laughs

Wanted to post something about how in light of this new New York bomb plot thwarting and the puffy-chest, chicken strutting the Guv’s doing today, that we should all take time out from out busy, busy schedules to reflect. Yes. Reflect. Reflect all the way back to the last thwarted terrorist plot. All the way back to a couple weeks ago when the hapless crew from Miami was cold busted thinking about blowing up the Sears tower here in Chi-town. We should be reflecting on the fact that, as it turned out, the clowns involved in the “plot” were not only dumber than a bag of dog shit worn as a fashion accessory, but that these dopes were given the idea, the details and encouragement from the government informant who’d managed to “infiltrate” the group. The gang of evil masterminds apparently needed an extraordinary amount of goading to go from high-on-the-couch-at-2-AM, “man, you know what’d be a groovy idea,” to reluctantly agreeing to the spy’s demolition plan-- apparently only to get him to leave them alone.

And, yea, it appears they’d sworn some kinda oath to Bin Laden at some point. But after listening to their families and reading parts of their testimony, one is left with the feeling that the “oath” came with all the gravitas of a BFF handshake during the wee hours of a 7th grade sleepover.

So, I was gonna write a little bit about that, but I’m feelin’ a touch unpolitical today. So, instead, here’s a funny prank call from England. It’s via both the all-knowing, all-seeing Boing Boing and omniscient Digg, so of course, you’ve already had yr laugh at it. But just in case:

Some DJs played a trick on two Chinese restaurants. First they called one restaurant, placed an order, then called another restaurant and connected them to the first restaurant and asked the first restaurant to repeat the order to the second restaurant. The second restaurant thought the first restaurant was a customer placing an order.
Hear the call.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

WWDCII (What Would Dick Cheney Invest In?)

Note: I'm a little over my head in attempting the intro here. If drowsiness occurs, just skip it all and hit the link at the bottom. It's an excellent story based on a eerie article in Kiplinger Magazine.

Investing. It's a weighty concept that reeks of sober, chessboard calculating. So very... adult. Or at least that's the impression one gets from the advertisements on TV. Lifestyle branding is never more evident than when pandering to the gambler's self-image. You've seen it on casino ads (if those Jack Binion spots don't fill you with gutsy confidence, perhaps you're better off with baseball cards and barbies, kido) and lotto ads and, of course, there's the Wall Street ads.

Maybe it's a black and white tracking shot of wrinkled and ink-stained fingers sifting through painfully small lines of newsprint. Or perhaps it's a well-know actor who we've grown to trust because of his role as a strict but impassioned public prosecutor on a very popular legally-themed, hour-long TV drama. Or maybe you're a bit of a youngster and more inclined to respond to the new breed of DIY Personal Finance Options (Trademark Pending, you betcha). The slickly edited jobs, where some husky rock-n-roll voiceover promises that no duff-headed, creaky-assed broker or manager will cramp your own personal, inimitable style by telling you where you ought to put your hard-earned dough. Nuh-uh, bubba. You know what's what.

No matter which way you're driving down Wall Street, the fundamental nut is that investing your money is just another way of gambling. No different than playing blackjack in Monte Carlo or craps in Hackensack. And, in turn, the fundamental nut of gambling is, essentially, predicting the future for profit. You're rewarded for correctly predicting what the next card or dice roll will bring as you are for correctly predicting what will become of a company or industry's perceived value over a given period of time. It's obviously a hair more complicated that that (they give doctorates to those who can explain the process with any degree of clarity), but the reference is sound enough, right?

So it must stand to reason that if someone's got some serious clout in the direction of industries with far-reaching implications, that they would have a better vantage point than you, the average market player, from which to see the future. And being the wise investor you are, it would certainly be a wise move to mirror the personal investment strategies of someone in such a position. Someone like... United States Veep and ranking Supercreep, Dick Cheney. The guy's got a bunch of friends in very high places, after all.

With that winning (if ill-explained) strategy in mind, buzz over to Counterpunch for Mike Whitney's startling coverage of what investor/citizen Dick Cheney sees on the horizon. Read, The Veep's Curious Investment Portfolio: Is Cheney Betting On Economic Collapse?

From the article:

Cheney has dumped another (estimated) $10 to $25 million in a European bond fund which tells us that he is counting on a steadily weakening dollar. So, while working class Americans are loosing ground to inflation and rising energy costs, Darth Cheney will be enhancing his wealth in "Old Europe". As Blackburn sagely notes, "Not all bad news' is bad for everybody."

Ever Feel Rooked?

Well, well, well. Looky what surfaced over this boozy, BBQ'y, blowed up, four-day weekend.

Via Alternet:

Bloomberg News reported, on the Friday before a four day weekend, that Bush administration NSA spying plans began well before 9/11.
"The U.S. National Security Agency asked AT&T Inc. to help it set up a domestic call monitoring site seven months before the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks, lawyers claimed June 23 in court papers filed in New York federal court."
Whoops.

Read the full article.